I was wondering if you could help me with a problem I’m having. You see… this Christmas I’d like nothing more than to get my hands on Doggie Doo - the game that is, not the… well, I’m sure you know what I mean! Anyway… while you undoubtedly think this is a perfectly reasonable present request for a five year old such as myself to make, unfortunately my parents think otherwise! They reckon Doggie Doo is nothing more than a crude novelty, rather than the genius toy it so clearly is, and are refusing to buy it for me this Christmas due to their aforementioned hideously misguided views! So I was wondering… do you think you could give me some sneaky tips to help me get the present I want? I’d be ever so thankful!
Yours desperately, Wendy Masterson.
Oh boy, if I had a penny for every time I heard this old chestnut! But don’t worry, Wendy, because you’ve definitely come to the right mascot for help. Countermanding the wishes of do-gooding parents is a real speciality of mine. So… here’s my top 5 tips for getting the present you want this Christmas…
1. The gift voucher gamble! Asking for gift vouchers is usually is a sure fire way to ensure you get the present you want. Unfortunately, however, your parents sound like the kind of idiots who would buy you book tokens instead, so use this one with care!
2. The fake endorsement strategy! Parents these days are absolute suckers for celebrity endorsements, especially if that celebrity is a do-gooding parent themselves - Jamie Oliver, Myleene Klass, Gwyneth Paltrow, etc. Just tell your parents you saw one of these clowns endorsing the present you want and watch them change their tune quick style! Result!
3. The table turner! If your parents are still insisting on buying you a Christmas present you don’t want, then it’s only fair you buy them something they don’t want in return! For instance… Doggie Doo! After all, since you’re only five years old, they’ll still be the one’s paying for it!
4. The shopping basket slip-in! A risky strategy, but one that can be highly effective! Next time you’re at the supermarket with your folks, try slipping the present you want into the shopping trolley when they’re not looking! Or better still, suggest your parents start buying their groceries online - this makes the adding of extra items even easier!
5. The grandparent solution! If all else fails then it’s time cut out the middlemen and seek a higher authority! Simply go over your parent’s heads and pay a visit to the Big Cheese, the Top Dog, the Head Honcho, a.k.a. Grandma! Because believe me, if this chick can’t help you get what you want, no one can :)
So there you go Wendy, my top 5 tips for getting you the present you want this Christmas. And if you follow these tips to the letter, I can absolutely guarantee you’ll be spending your Christmas day in the company of this little fella…
Problem solved! And Wendy, don’t hesitate to get in touch again if your doofus parents try to pull any of this kind of nonsense in the future. Although, now that you know the score, I reckon the chances of that happening are pretty slim indeed :)