Please help! I’m a 13 year old girl with a problem! And the name of that problem… sports! I cannot stand them! Never have! Never will! But does that mean anything to my teachers? You bet your bottom dollar it doesn’t! Oh no, according to them “sports and physical education are an essential part of every child’s upbringing” and “a healthy body means a healthy mind” and yadda, yadda, yadda, etc. Absolute nonsense, as I’m sure you’ll agree! Anyway… I’ve noticed that in the entire history of this blog, which is very nearly a whole two years, you have never once contributed a single word to a single post - a veritable master class in shirking achievement of which I stand in respectful awe! And an achievement which I would dearly love to apply to my own dislike of sports. So I ask you… can you help me get out of doing school sports?
Yours sincerely, Annabelle Wright
OK Annabelle, I’ll help. But we’ll have to keep this on the QT. If the Ed Mascot finds out I’m awake and writing he’ll try to make me do some proper work. And I’m not having that! So let’s make this quick! Here’s my top 5 tips for shirking school sports…
1. Sick notes! A tried and tested method as old as the Senior Mascot himself! Fake a note excusing yourself from sports by citing a commonly contagious illness! But make it believable - bubonic plague ain’t gonna wash!
2. Fake an injury! Bandages can be purchases in any high street chemists and can be wrapped around wrists, ankles, and necks in a plethora of ways. Practice limping and grimacing if you really want to sell this one!
3. Cause an injury! Thanks to the highly litigious times we live in, teachers the world over are now terrified of lawsuits and liability claims! Try “accidentally” barging into your fellow students on the sports field! Trust me, you’ll soon be excused!
4. Shoe sabotage! You can’t be expected to participate in sports if the soles of your shoes fall off. Simply remove the soles at leisure at an earlier date and reassemble the shoes using paper glue! Believe me, they won’t last long!
5. Fake vomit! Gross but highly effective! Water down some lentil soup and add a dash of vinegar! Store in a household flask and apply to corridor floor and clothing in the moments before your teacher arrives! Hey presto, another game of hockey avoided! Although be sure to pack some extra clothes if you’re thinking of trying this one!
So there you go Annabelle, my top 5 tips for shirking school sports. And now that you’ve mastered the art of shirking, why not the dress the part too…
Ahhh! Forever Lazy! The greatest invention since man discovered beds, or pillows, or really comfy seats, or those big slipper things that heat your feet, or all of the above! Or something!