Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Football Crazy!

Ask a Mascot

Dear Muscle Mascot,

Help! A couple of months ago I asked out a boy at school I liked, and thankfully he said yes :) But unfortunately, like most boys, he has one major flaw - it’s called football! Up until now it hasn’t really been a problem because I’ve got a Saturday job that gives me the perfect excuse to avoid going to matches with him as he cheers on his team and acts all bloke-ish, or whatever boys do at football games! But with the World Cup starting in a couple of days I fear that my luck is about to run out and, horror of horrors, it looks like I’m going to have to watch a football match with him! I asked my Gran for some advice about what to do, and she reckons I should fake interest to keep him happy. My Gran’s got six marriages under her belt, so I’m guessing she knows what she’s talking about! The problem is I don’t know anything about football, and haven’t got a clue what to say when watching a match! Can you help me?

Yours sincerely,
Emily Lavender.

Muscle Mascot replies...

Emily, you’ve come to the right mascot. As a fan of all things sporting and healthy I am naturally an expert in all things football related. And thanks to my knowledge, you can be too! Here’s my top 5 clichéd generic football phrases to get you through the World Cup…

1. “This game could really do with a goal.” A phrase to use between the 25th minute and half time when a score remains 0-0. Or throughout the entire 90 minutes when you get to the knock out stages, as anyone who watched 2006 World Cup will doubtlessly agree!

2. “The next goal’s going to be crucial.” Use this one when there’s a two goal difference in the fist half, or a one goal difference in the early stages of the second! But be sure to an eye on the clock! Uttering this anytime after the 65th minute could see your cover blown!

3. “There’s still time.” A calming phrase used to bring supporters hope when their team goes a goal down at any stage within the first 80 minutes. Any such declaration afterwards is generally considered an act of wishful desperation and denial!

4. “Looks like extra time.” A profound affirmation of the blatantly obvious to be used in the knock out stages when a match reaches the 85th minute and remains tied. Can also be used in the 25th minute of extra time if there has been no resolution - simply replace “extra time” with “penalties.”

5. “That’s football.” A generic phrase of such epically meaningless proportions that it can be used as both comment and response throughout the entire World Cup Tournament. If in any doubt at all, this is the phrase to use!

So there you go Emily, my top 5 clichéd generic football phrases to get you through the 2010 World Cup. And who knows? By the end of it, you may even find out you like football after all! Here’s a little guy called Zakumi to get you in the mood…


See? That wasn’t so bad, was it? And you even got to learn the name of the official World Cup mascot too! I bet your boyfriend doesn’t know what he’s called :)

Your friendly footballing friend,
Muscle Mascot :)

1 comment: