As you’re an avid fan of fun and frivolity I thought you might be able to help with a problem I’m having - it’s called the General Election! Now, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a very important event for grown-ups and all, but as a 12 year old kid there really is jack squat for me to get excited about! Well, I can’t even vote, can I? Normally I manage to bypass these bore-fests unscathed, but this year, thanks to whatever idiot that thought televised Prime Ministerial Debates would be a good idea, my “oh so modern” parents have been making me watch the whole ghastly affair in the name of “education” or some such nonsense! I mean really! They’re even planning on making me watch the entire election night coverage on TV tomorrow! Talk about the last straw! Don’t they know that some of us have to get up for school in the morning! Anyway, any suggestions to help me get through tomorrow night in one piece would be greatly appreciated.
Yours sincerely, Katie Sanderson.
P.S. As well as being to young to vote, I’m also too young to drink and gamble, so I’m afraid you’ve really got your work cut out for you on this one!
Wow! That is a tough one Katie! Drinking and gambling are usually the only ways to get through an election night unscathed - well, they are if you’re an MP! (Tee hee!) But luckily for you I’m always here to help! So here’s my top 5 tips for surviving election night…
1. Take part! You may not be able to vote, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get involved. Spray paint Labour, Tory, and Lib Dem on your living room wall and nail a plank of wood in the middle! Hey presto - it’s your very own swing-o-meter! And it’ll probably get you sent to bed early too! (Ha ha!)
2. Don’t take part! Show your parents you already know about politics by calling up a bunch of friends and exercising your right to protest by staging a sit in! Not even your parents will want to watch the election with a bunch of screaming 12 year olds! (Chortle!)
3. Really take part! If there’s one thing parents can’t stand it’s questions! Who’s he? What does she do? What does that mean? What did they say? Questions like these can cut the length of your election night nightmare from 12 hours to 5 minutes! Guaranteed! (Hee hee!)
4. Fake taking part! An oldie, but a goodie! Why not try painting your eyes onto your eyelids and simply sleeping your way through the whole tawdry affair! It works for the House of Lords! (Chuckle!)
5. Sabotage! If all else fails try removing the fuses from every television, radio, and computer in the house! And cut the phone lines just to be on the safe side! Drastic, but highly effective! (Ho ho!)
So there you go Katie, my top 5 tips for surviving election night. Although to be fair, if Monty Python has taught us anything, it’s that elections don’t always have to be boring…
See? (Haa haa!) Hope you manage to get through tomorrow night in one piece, and remember… they may be boring but elections only happen once every four years. Unless we get a hung parliament, in which case I’ll speak to you again in a couple of months! (Tee hee!)