I’m usually a very punctual person but last Thursday, after a spot of late night shopping, I found myself running late for the first time in 15 years! Having another appointment to keep, and not wanting to tarnish my exemplary time keeping record, I decided to take a shortcut home. The route I chose took me through an old abandoned funfair which, I believe I’m right in saying, was built on an ancient burial ground. Nothing unusual in that, I hear you say. Well… unfortunately, you’d be wrong!
While enjoying my stroll through the shadowy decay of the long still carousels I became aware of a dishevelled figure in the distance shambling its way towards me. It was a tall, thin creature with wild hair that was mumbling incoherently. At first I thought it was that singer that the tabloids are always banging on about, but luckily it was only a zombie! Anyway, to cut an already too long story short, it bit me and now I’m a zombie too! I was hoping you could give me some advice about where I should go from here.
Yours sincerely, Angela Stapleton.
Hello Angela, and welcome to the fabulous life of the undead! An unexpected change can be difficult in anyone’s life, and zombiehood is no exception, but if you follow my guide to zombie living you’ll get by just fine. Here’s my top 5 tips for life as a zombie:
1. Stay social! Get out and meet other zombies. Graveyards and malls are good places to meet like minded monsters like yourself!
2. Vary you diet! Although brains are the staple food for zombies, acquiring them can be a troublesome process. Why not try sausages or burgers? Believe me, you won’t taste the difference!
3. Wear sensible shoes! Shuffling and staggering are the preferred modes of transport for zombies, so say goodbye to those heels! Sorry ladies!
4. Don’t be stinky! Not everyone likes the stench of rotting flesh so be sure to bathe regularly and often. This advice is also good for the living!
5. Get a job! Believe it or not there are many employment options open to the undead. Lots of zombies have pursued successful careers in films, television and video games. And Maidokuro here has even made a name for herself as a zombie housemaid. Look…
So Angela, follow these tips and your new life as a zombie will be filled with opportunity and wonder! And remember, just because you’re undead doesn’t mean have to stop living :)